I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I can't turn off my feet"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
