just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
