I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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