i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
