I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
