My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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