Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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