Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
