my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
