she looked like the before picture.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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