We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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