I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
