where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
