everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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