for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
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we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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