a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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