I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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