All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
