If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
