So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
