chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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