ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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