My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
