I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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