Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
