Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
