Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Operation Purity has been aborted
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
