Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
