don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
