so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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