First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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