I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
