i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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