I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I wish i was in the wii world.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
