She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
