Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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