I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
