Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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