i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
