Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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