my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
soo... how was my night?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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