my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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