We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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