if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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