yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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