any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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