I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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