i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
