We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
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I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
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Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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