From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
