things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
