Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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