I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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