He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
