How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
