im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
