Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
