If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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