she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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