and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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